Barbie & Snow Globes

The other day my three year old was being…well a three year old. She was exhausted and didn’t know what to do with herself anymore. She decided to throw a temper tantrum because mommy would not let her play in our front yard. I tried to explain to her the safety issues which were involved with playing out front. We do not have a fenced front yard. While we live on a dead end, everyone is constantly speeding down our road. Not to mention our front yard looks like a South American jungle, who knows what animals lurk inside of its depths. Well needless to say, she was not happy with this decision.

I tried to reason with her. I suggested she play in the back yard, all seven acres of it, where it is safer. I also recommended she play on the $1200 playground her father built last year. This time I was met with an evil omen glare, a slam of the front door and screaming all the way to her room where yet another door was slammed. Okay, so now mommy takes a deep breath and proceeds to heat up some milk in a sippy cup as an offering.

I knock on the door, offering the sacrificial hot milk through the small gap in the door she has provided for me. She takes my offering and shuts the door again. I ask her if I can come in and speak with her, at which point I am provided with an adamant, NO! She explains she is playing with Barbie’s and not going to bed because the sun is still out. I tried to explain the suggestiveness of her actions, but she did not want to hear this and began screaming. At this point she really did not want me in her room, as I slowly opened the door she was pushing it closed with all of her strength and screaming as though I was beating her. It was at this point I was able to get my leg wedged in between the door and the wall. I was asking her very politely to open the door for mommy. She finally became completely fed up, this was when I was shanked with a Barbie.

Do not let the innocent look fool you!

She took her naked little plastic doll and swiped at my leg, ripping a hole in my pajama pants. After being assaulted by a Tinker Bell Barbie, I was finally able to get through the door at which point she screamed, “I have to go potty!!”  Accepting her declaration as truth I allowed her to proceed to the restroom. I followed her with her pajamas and a pull-up. Again I was met with Rosemary’s Child. This time I just swooped her up in my arms, quickly dressing her flailing little body while she wailed.

Now I am sitting in the bathroom with my weeping daughter waiting for CPS to knock on the door and still trying to patiently convince her that going to bed is a wonderful idea. Eventually I get her in the room, while her head is not spinning yet it definitely would not have surprised me. Now she is sobbing hysterically in her bed, I offer to hug her and read her books. She seems to have an epiphany at this time. Maybe she finally realized no matter what she did, I was going to get her in bed.

We finally start reading books, at which point she becomes happy with life again. After books we chat a little bit. I show her my pants, and she apologizes for “cutting me with a Barbie.” We give each other lots of hugs and kisses, and then I tuck my happy little bipolar toddler into bed with a huge sigh of relief.

<3 <3 <3

It is at this time where I have my epiphany. I am sitting downstairs looking at my torn pants when I realize how ridiculous it was for the airport attendant to take my snow globes when we were coming back from Vegas (yes, a week later I am still pissed off about it and I know this is a huge non sequitur). Really, snow globes? There is no way those snow globes could have harmed anyone. The real weapon the airlines should be on the lookout for…is Barbie. Her little plastic hands could cut right into a major vain or take out an eye in a heartbeat. Her naked little toes could also do some major damage, way more than my $15 Las Vegas snow globes. Maybe the snow globes were not considered weapons, maybe it was about drugs. Again, watch out for Barbie.

I know a few Barbie’s who should have received some cavity searches before entering the United States. Some of them have to be drug mules. While I am definitely pleased with the fact that they are not allowing me to carry on my drug-filled snow globes (although they do allow me to put them into my checked baggage). They really need to start cracking down on those Barbie’s. Not only are they lethal weapons, but their good looks get them through customs every time. I mean who does not want Barbie’s nakedness on a plane?

So while I am losing all of my snow globes, having my underwear man-handled, my shampoo sniffed and my lotions left open to get all over my clothing…this little bitch Barbie gets to go through without a hitch every time. Well I say no more. No more ripped pajamas. No more missing snow globes. No more discrimination. The bottom line is Barbie is dangerous. I wouldn’t doubt it if Barbie sits up all night whispering suggestive messages to my three year old which make her act like a child from an episode Super Nanny. In the end Barbie’s are not to be trusted. Snow globes are dangerous drug-filled items which need to go into your checked luggage, and bipolar three year olds need lots of hugs and kisses. Lesson learned.

Monkey Love!